Have you ever been struck by the realization that every person around you has a life as rich and complex as your own? That fleeting moment is called sonder. It’s the understanding that each random passerby is living out a story filled with its own mix of dreams, struggles, and joys.
I think about this a lot. Just the other day, I was crammed into a packed train. Instead of doomscrolling on my phone, I decided to observe the people around me. An elderly woman with red nails and a flower dress beside me looked very worried; across from me, a man resembling a professor was engrossed in his iPad, and somewhere in the background, a child’s laughter echoed. Each of these individuals, even the strangers I briefly lock eyes with while walking to the supermarket, has their own narrative, with ambitions, fears, and quirks that I’ll never fully grasp.
It’s fascinating to think that to them, they’re the main character in their lives, while I’m just a brief extra passing by. Sonder reminds us that everyone we meet is navigating their own challenges, just as we are.
Finding deeper connections
Recently, me and my friends were doing a “puntje persoonlijk” night. The idea is simple; everyone shares something personal, something they struggle with or what concerns them. Our group of sixteen girls, who had known each other for over two years, still managed to surprise me with how little I truly knew about what some of my friends were going through. You think you know people well, but it’s so easy to overlook the hidden depths behind the social masks we all wear.
This experience made me reflect on how well we truly know each other, not just at parties or casual gatherings, but on a deeper, more emotional level. How you really are. I often wonder if those who project the most humor and joy in public are struggling the most behind closed doors. And as a psychology student, I can’t help but think about how important it is for us to open up about our feelings, even though that’s sometimes easier said than done.
Empathy, after all, is what connects us to one another. By imagining ourselves in someone else’s shoes, we become more compassionate and understanding. As Maya Angelou once said, “We all have empathy, but we may not always have the courage to display it.” Empathy is not just about responding to suffering but also about connecting with others’ joys and triumphs. Research has shown that these small moments of empathy can have a profound effect on our well-being, making us feel more connected to those around us (1).
A new perspective
Through experiences like “puntje persoonlijk,” I’ve realized that everyone has their own story, even the strangers we encounter in passing. Maybe that grumpy person at the cinema is going through a tough time, or the smiling man in the elevator is about to propose to the love of his life. We just don’t know. But that’s what makes empathy so important—it teaches us to be kind and understanding, even when we’re unaware of someone’s situation. After all, it’s been said that empathy is crucial to building connections and has a large positive impact on the world (2).
Now, whenever I’m on the train, instead of zoning out with my phone, I play a game: I imagine stories for the people around me. Where are they going? What are they thinking? What lights them up inside? This small act of curiosity has made my world a little brighter—and a lot more interesting.
So next time you cross paths with someone, take a moment to remember that they have their own unique life story. Be kind, be empathetic. We’re all just trying to navigate this beautiful, messy world with our own set of challenges and dreams.
Sources
1: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_small_moments_of_empathy_affect_your_life.
2: https://www.mastersincommunications.org/empathy-what-it-is-why-it-matters-and-how-you-can-improve
photo: https://pin.it/6j506jWZm
When a friend of mine went through some difficult times and eventually told me about it (after many years), I immediately apologized for not knowing and supporting her back then, but she made it clear that it was okay and I couldn’t have known about it. This made me reflect on possible signs from when she went through it and certain things/events finally started to make sense. This also made me realise that everyone, just like me, is trying to just live their life and have gone/are going through some difficulties. After this, I adopted the mindset of “everyone is the main character of their own story and an NPC of others in this world, and the same goes for you.”
If someone is rude, it won’t bother me that much (they’re an NPC for me) and it may be correlated with something in their life (they’re their own main character), and if someone strikes up a conversation, I’ll show interest (in their life of them as the main character). This also made me less conscious when I need to go to places with many people present (I’m just an NPC for them) and not to assume that I’m the most important person (everyone is their own main character).
This should also be used in the digital world. Just like how people’s own stories are not noticeable (even when you’ve known them), so are the stories of other netizens, especially regarding their curated digital content. If we also do not like certain content, then it is probably not for us, so we should treat it as such.
PS: I made the mindset up, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it has been said before by many others. I use the terms ‘NPC’ (Non-Playable Character) and ‘main character’ as neutral terms.