Half of my semester of study abroad has passed, and I feel that I have become connected to new friends and adjusted to living in Leiden. However, at the same time, I suddenly feel a sense of loneliness. I know I have friends to rely on, texting tools to contact friends and family, but it’s just not right. Last week, I experienced a profound sense of isolation, as everything seemed distant and no one was there for me. Moreover, it made me reluctant to contact anyone, as they seemed to be living a fulfilled life, which made me feel even more inferior. This blog is written after the recovery, so I would like to reflect on what I felt during the period of feeling down.
Looking back to that period, what made me feel more disconnected from the world was my smartphone. I was surprised to see how addicted I was to watching videos on YouTube, Netflix, as if to distract myself from the thought that I am lonely. I also completely fell into the algorithm of reels Instagram provides, despite knowing that I should escape from the loop, just swiping down for hours, not thinking about anything. Even if videos like “you should stop scrolling” or “this is the time to rest and relax without scrolling to the next video” appear, I would ignore them and swipe to the next video in seconds. Once you get into the cycle, it’s hard to get out (I know everyone should have at least experienced them once.)
What I felt from being exposed to my smartphone for literally 24 hours is things that have been said by many: decreased concentration, insomnia, irritability, and other forms of brain fatigue and mental distress. I was up until 4 am in midnight, unable to sleep, and waking up at 3 pm in the evening, continuing its negative spiral. Moreover, I checked my smartphone every minute to see if there were any notifications or contacts from friends, and switched between YouTube and Netflix for entertainment. I have an app that tracks how much I’ve walked in a day, the fewest steps were 32… Everything leads to a negative outcome, and I know the consequences, but it won’t let go. How I gradually came out was to talk to my mom, just texting her, “I’m having a hard time.” Just expressing your feelings in one phrase helped me. I know it’s surprising that it takes time to do this one little action, making this one little step to improve the situation so much.
What took me so long?
For me, I think social media, especially Instagram, was the primary reason I couldn’t escape the downward spiral. As I mentioned in the first part of this blog, seeing my friends post stories about studying and enjoying their trip made me feel very pathetic. I understand that they also have hard times, but when you don’t have enough emotional leeway, it’s just hard to think about others and can only focus on yourself. Through this experience, I found it very important to be able to push yourself outside, or have the space in your heart to do so, before you lose all your power.
I definitely do not recommend. I hope everyone has their own way of maintaining their productive life (doesn’t always have to be productive, but in a way you don’t feel isolated), and in case you feel like it might happen, try not to run away to your phone, but eat something nice, talk with friends, take a walk outside in the sun. I actually would like to know what others do to prevent; I hope I have sometime to talk about it 🙂
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